The Best Health News You’ve Heard All Year

The news coming out of Japan is not always good. For example, the entire Pokemon phenomenon was something any thinking adult could have well done without. Then there was that time when Datsun became Nissan overnight. What was that all about? Although the confusion wasn’t quite the equal of General Motors one day renaming itself R.J. Reynolds & Co., it left a lingering suspicion that the country was up to no good and that we, as a nation, should be on the alert for any sign of pachinko parlors infiltrating our neighborhoods.

It comes as a pleasant surprise then, to learn that Japanese researchers have discovered that the husk of the cocoa bean can fight tooth decay. Yes! We recall that these same researchers told us something similar once about sushi being good for cardiovascular problems. The problem with that announcement was that nobody in his right mind wanted to actually eat raw fish in order to find out, when -- for less money -- he could have a cheeseburger with grilled onions.

Customer: "Waiter! What is this stuff?"

Waiter: "It’s sushi, sir."

Customer: "Well, it looks like raw fish!"

Waiter: "Sushi is a Japanese word meaning literally, ‘a formerly alive fish that we hope has not yet undergone degenerative necrosis.’ There is, of course, an extra charge for not cooking it."

Customer: "Can I have another look at the menu?"

Upon close examination, the cocoa bean turns out to be the source of chocolate and that is something we can get our teeth into. It is a seed of such essential nobility that if the cacao tree were to disappear, civilization as we know it would cease to be.

The exact mechanism by which cocoa bean husks can help prevent tooth decay is not quite clear, but the American Chemical Society informs us that chocolate contains about 600 identifiable chemicals. At least one of those chemicals could very well have a salutary effect on teeth, so we are allying ourselves with Nippon until other researchers point out the fallacy of believing that anything that tastes good can be good for you.

Based on our current consumption of chemically altered foods that FDA watchdogs assure us are nutritionally sound, the liberation of chocolate from the list of no-no confections can come as the beginning of a great new trend. What scientific breakthroughs can we expect in the near future?

* Smoking Protects Your Teeth! -- A protective layer of tar inhibits the action of lactic acid on teeth. Even small children who chew on chunks of roofing tar whenever they can find them instinctively know this. First-hand smoke effectively discourages French kissing, a practice that can lead to a host of other problems. True, smoking is bad for your heart and lungs, but it does give you beige or brown teeth that fashion forecasters claim is the coming backlash against too much whitening hype.

* Sitting Immobile on a Couch Benefits Your Knees! -- There is no denying that knee injuries are so common as a result of the fitness craze that has seized this country, that the word "arthroscopy" appears in crossword puzzles 37 percent more this year than at any time previously. In addition, scientists have determined that at birth each of us is allotted a finite number of heartbeats. Exercising vigorously is the same as voluntarily spending yourself into bankruptcy.

* Popcorn Reverses the Aging Process! -- Popcorn husks, those annoying golden bits that defy eradication from oral crevices, contain minute amounts of Oil of Olay. Absorbed internally, the results are the same as applying the substance directly to crow’s feet; it just takes longer.

* Fried Foods Boost Intelligence! -- Colonel Sanders is a prime example. Not only does he make more money than the rest of us, he can wear a white suit all winter and nobody says anything. The only exception is fried zucchini. Studies show that if you have so much zucchini left over from your gardening efforts that you have to resort to frying it, you weren’t too smart to begin with.

* Cell Phones Cure Inner Ear Infections! -- The radiation emanating from cell phones is similar to that coming from computer and TV screens. It is a well-known fact that the invisible rays from these sources have a calming effect on the central nervous system exactly like that of single malt whiskies. The beneficial effects of cell phone radiation accrue best to the ears of those drivers who have nothing between them to hinder ray transmission.

* Sleep Is a Complete Waste of Time! -- The brain requires no rest, otherwise there would be no such thing as dreams. The bodies of modern humans require little, if any, rest because of lifestyles that consist primarily of sitting. Sleep is the result of boredom, and boredom is the result of not having enough to worry about. People who do not worry are in denial and should seek professional help. They should worry about that, and the need for sleep will be obviated.

* Obesity Is Normal! -- Studies indicate that 65 percent of Americans are overweight. This is nature’s way of preparing us for what lies ahead. Famine, pestilence and the very real chance of being chosen to participate in a "Survivor"-type TV show are good reasons for the morbidly slender 35 percent of the population to start immediately shoveling in the groceries. These provisions should include ample supplies of chocolate, because Japanese research confirms the fact that the 600 chemicals therein are better for you than rat-on-a-stick.

The point is, with chocolate now joining eggs (once a major health threat) and saccharin (the same) on the list of foods that are now OK, consumers seem to be justified in watching health news carefully. "They" (the mysterious entities that dictate these turnarounds) are bound to declare that whatever it is that’s on the no-no roster today, could be the best thing since sliced bread tomorrow.