The Lazy Way to a Healthy Life

I think we can all agree that scientists as a group are not a fun bunch of guys. Yet, when you get to know them better, like, for example when they are hitting on you for a research grant, they can demonstrate a unique sense of humor.

Now and again to ease the strain of the day-in and day-out heavy-duty scientific thinking that occupies most of their time, scientists gather together in bull sessions where even the most serious-minded let down their hair with hilarious results. You may not appreciate the levity because you are not one of them, but to a scientist, this is the WD-40, the Prozac and mother’s milk that makes the serious bulk of their lives bearable.

Basically, their approach is this: Take an established scientific fact, an axiom carved in stone, and question its validity. This is easy, as there is no shortage of scientific facts. The more solid the evidence and the longer it has been accepted as gospel, the more fun it is to question. Witness the flip-flop on the danger of cholesterol in eggs, the healthful benefits of red wine, the fatal aspects of jogging, etc.

On balance, most scientific facts are bad news to the lay public.

Fact: A body in free-fall from a 90-story building will obtain a terminal velocity of 120 mph. Fact: The impact of that body on pavement has been proven to be 100 percent fatal. "Proven? Ha!" say the scientists while in their fun mode. "We will publish studies that show otherwise."

And the public will eat this up. Japanese scientists are just now recovering from the paroxysm of joy they shared upon their announcement that chocolate was good for you and, indeed, was a major benefit to teeth.

All over the scientific world, white-coated parties wearing serious frowny expressions while laughing up a storm on the inside are busy debunking the old standards. If a grant from Bill Gates or General Motors is not available, no problem --publish a book. Recent best sellers listed by the New York Times include Biofeedback and How to Stop It, Optional Body Functions, Ego Gratification Through Violence and Guilt Without Sex.

Which brings us to the latest revelation from German scientists.

From Munich via Reuters comes the announcement that all us couch potatoes have been waiting for: Professor Peter Axt, who teaches at a college in Fulda, has co-authored a newly published study, "On the Joy of Laziness." Professor Axt, you will remember, gained a measure of fame a few years ago with his revelation that Adolph Hitler and Charlie Chaplin were one and the same person. "You’ll notice that you never saw them together," he pointed out. "The trademark mustache was the giveaway."

Axt’s new book prescribes aimless sloth as the antidote to professional stress and the secret to a long life. The professor has put considerable thought into his pronouncements. For example, he claims, "Research shows that people who run long distances into their 50s are using up energy they need for other purposes." Now that I can run no more than 10 yards without initiating cardiac arrest, I think he may be onto something.

"People who would rather laze in a hammock instead of running a marathon or who take a midday nap instead of playing squash have a better chance of living into old age," he goes on. Even in spite of the fact that being tossed out of a hammock on your head is a real and present danger, I am sure he is right.

The appeal to an apathetic public is not lost on Professor Axt who recommends, "Waste half your free time. Just enjoy lazing around." Listen carefully. In the background you can hear Teutonic chuckling. At this very moment in Florence, Italy, scientists are compiling a list of the aphrodisiac qualities of pasta while denouncing Axt’s advice as the Italian equivalent of "poppycock" and in direct opposition to their "Use It or Lose It" edict.

Personally, I buy into the German professor’s study completely, believing that, as Jules Renard said, "Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired." Unfortunately, as Ben Franklin observed, laziness travels so slowly, poverty soon overtakes it.

What I do wish is that scientists would cease indulging themselves in these bouts of ill-conceived pleasure. You don’t see dentists behaving this way.