Million (More or Less) Dentist March

Organized dentistry has never enjoyed the political clout of, say, the National Rifle Association, the Subsidized Tobacco Growers Institute or the Federation of Marmoset Breeders. That’s why Congress has left us to the mercy of the FDA, the FTC and the designers of the Yellow Pages. Rodney Dangerfield commands more respectful attention. This dolorous picture is about to change.

It should be apparent that if we are to front more than a tepid denouement to managed care, pierced tongues, smokeless tobacco and ignored recall cards, we will be forced to mount vigorous campaigns on a national level. Charlton Heston’s dentist should be able to help us here.

Noting the recent successes of the Million Man March, the Million Mom March, the Million Gay and Lesbian Alliance March and the Million People With Nothing Better to Do March, it would seem the phrase "take a hike" might take on new meaning for us.

The Million Dentist March has a nice ring to it. Unfortunately, it is somewhat diminished by the fact that there are only about 100,000 of us. What with so many out playing golf and attending to important issues like learning to market cosmetic dentistry, we would be sorely beset to assemble a fraction of even that number. Somehow The Seventeen Hundred and Fifty Dentist March lacks the formidable punch of a million irate moms, even though fewer than 500,000 actually showed up.

No matter, perhaps there were fewer than a million of them, but the composite picture of that many females -- ranging from the sweet little ladies from Pasadena to odious Gorgons in brown bombazine and disturbing amalgams of elf, kitten and bacchante -- was a scene to be reckoned with.

In getting our own protest off the ground, it should be made clear to recruits that the term "march" is only a euphemism. Dentists, who enjoy a sedentary life bent over supine bodies, are not much into actual marching. We would, however, be amenable to golf carts or operating stools, providing the casters tracked properly.

The important thing here is the picket signs and banners that are an obligatory feature of any gathering on Capitol Mall. They must be waved about vigorously enough to attract media attention, yet not so manically as to defy attempts to read their message. Inasmuch as the fiery rhetoric that is an integral part of the March protocol is purposely designed for style, not substance, the message on the signs is the only clue the TV viewing public will get regarding the purpose of the March.

Here is where we encounter a major problem, one that threatens the whole essence of the project. Dentistry, being one of the last bastions of individuality, is composed of quirky people who have trouble presenting a united consensus on almost any subject. For the Million (More or Less) Dentist March to be anything more than a dizzying goulash of opposing concepts, we are going to have to accept some compromises. We definitely don’t want Wolf Blitzer summarizing our appearance as "ain’t nobody here ’cep’ us riffraff."

It won’t do to have an incandescent mob of professionals on one side brandishing signs advocating mandatory fluoridation, while opposite them is another bunch denouncing poisoning the water supply. The anti-amalgam gang can’t be castigating the mercury-is-OK group with inflammatory objurgations. Unrestricted, the States’ Rights people will be at the Reciprocity adherents’ jugulars, and first thing you know the National Guard is mobilized with big black dogs and water cannons to restore the peace.

On the upside, we may briefly grab the attention of Congress (providing any of the esteemed members are actually present in Washington) but not in the positive way we envision.

So, obviously, we need to get some unanimity of purpose. How about tongue piercing, are we all agreed on that? No? Violation of individuals’ rights to do what they wish with their personal parts. OK, how about chewing tobacco? Then we’d have not only the tobacco consortium down on us, but also the National and American leagues combined.

Well, look -- we’ve got the lathes and the cardboard and the marking pens. Why don’t we sit on this march idea awhile, say until the biofilm flap dies down. Meanwhile we try to rustle up another 900,000 dentists of a single mind. It would look better on the tube.