Hear My Words, O Heathen Patient

Sermon on Appointments

The appointment is the basic unit of my practice. You may procure one by the telephone; you may procure one by the personal appearance; you may procure one by the proxy. Once made, understand this: No contract is more sacred; not that of the marriage, not that of the court summons. I say to you, do not break it, but leave it as it is. Unless declared legally dead, dishonor not the appointment, nor tarry more than four minutes beyond the time of obligation. Do as I have told you, because I do not allow it, that is why.

Laws Pertaining to the Reception Room

The reception room is for the waiting. This is what it is for. If that were not true, it would be a hall. During the period of the waiting, I have provided for you the magazines. Of the magazines, of the People and of the Sports Illustrated, of the National Geographic and the Inlay Workers Gazette, of all the periodicals that are bright of color and precise of arrangement, you may touch, but not render them in disarray. Observe them just as I have told you. Tear not pieces from the pages in which to enfold your gum. Heed me, for I have other things to do. Realignment of the magazines is not one of them.

Know that children below the age of reason (25) are permitted in the reception room provided: (1) They are in the company of two or more blood relatives authorized to dispense corporal punishment; (2) They have been fed prior to the arrival and suffer not from the bulimia nor of the diarrhea; (3) They have not in their possession confections of the Popsicle, nor of the Gummi Bear, nor of the cotton candy. Of the M&M’s, of the Snickers and of the Kit Kats, they may eat, but not in the reception room. Of all the frozen and unfrozen junk foods of unknown provenance, they may eat, but absolutely not in the room of reception. When they reach that place where the reception room carpet begins, there must the crayons, the Silly Putty and the Play-Doh be surrendered. Nor will they with the Bic draw upon the walls or upon the furniture, because we do not do that, that is why.

Operatory Laws, Statutes and Ordinances

For patients: Neither drink of the rinse that is of the alcohol content of 26 percent, nor swallow of the spray water, for it contains loathsome things. Hear me, O my patient, heed the assistant for it is she who stands between you and the drowning. Operatory law requires you to be flat upon your back. This law is immutable. Physical law states you cannot rinse in this position. To try will result in embarrassment and severe sanctions, even unto the inguinal hernia. I say to you, obstruct not the continuity of the procedures by insisting on the sitting up to do that which you cannot do lying down. Indeed, you will drive me to madness and I shall not forget.

Cast your countenance up into the light, ratcheting your mouth open to its maximum aperture, for the darkness and the wetness therein overwhelm me even to distraction. And hold yourself still; hold still, I say, that I may give each tooth an examination thereof. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done. Your account of your flossing ritual each day shall be duly noted in your chart. Judging will be based on originality, imaginative variations and polygraph results. The decision of the Tooth Fairy shall be final.

For assistants: Let not your absence be noted lest you be cast permanently into quiet time elsewhere. Greater than you suspect from the semi-monthly stipend lavished upon you is my need for you.

Hear me, O my assistant, for the overhead it kills me. Direct not the suction hose with which you are entrusted in such a manner that when placed against the soft tissue, a noise not unlike that of a strangled chicken emits. Neither shall your suction tip engage the fingers of my latex gloves, for that is an abomination to me. When I tell you what you must do and even if your inclination is to make a fist in your pocket and silently intone, "Cement Head," know that you are appreciated. Were I 60 years less of age and singly afloat, we could decamp to Bora Bora in tandem. Alas, this is not to be. Do not forget what I have said about the vacuum.